The Myth of "Mr/Ms Right"

One of the things I have had to process as a divorced and now "single-again" person is the questions of my choices in the past...did I choose correctly?


My core as a covenant person says that no matter who you choose to marry or be in covenant with, that person becomes the "right" person for you...but I think there are a couple of underlying issues that stay below the surface that we should unpack in this concept of "the right person".


First we have to face the Sovereignty of God issue...is God sovereign even in human choices?


Well I have to say yes...and this leads us into some very deep theology and concepts that great Saints have wrestled with in the past...it loads up our assumptions with the concept of "predestination", and "free-will", and those issues drag us into the whirlpools of "limited atonement" and the nature of God.


If God is Sovereign then the entire issue of evil takes on a very different framework...but rather than swim in those deep waters I'll just throw you a life jacket of what I believe and not tell you how I got there, it is a distraction for what I want to say right now.


I believe God is sovereign, but I do not believe He is in control...those are two different things, and I believe this so much I also believe that God will NOT control us, or anyone else, He is so committed to the concept of love that He demands freedom of choice and never lets it get completely stripped away, so not even He will violate it.


In other words God values our choices much higher than we know, and I believe because of that He does not make EXACTLY one person for each and every other person to marry...He is a huge fan of diversity, just look around, so the idea that He wants life limited to a few choices and only certain people is contrary to His desire for freedom and uniqueness, and inconsistent with the way He does things.


Think about it like this: I like coffee...I like it a lot, I prefer a strong French Roast to a Colombian blend, these are choices that I have made...did God make me to prefer French over Colombian? No I am not a puppet, He put the elements of taste and the biological capacity within me, but the rest of it is a matter of my own reactions to my history and a developed taste from my experience.


If you want to argue with that, then you might give John Calvin a run for his money on the whole predestination thing and frankly I don't want to argue with you about it the outcome is predicted.


So on a core level I no longer believe there is only one person for you to choose from to live happily ever after with...at least until you have made a choice...once you have chosen, covenant kicks in and that's where the real fun begins, life is always a product of covenant protecting and empowering intimacy.."into-me-you-see"...this is where we really get to experience life as God has designed it.


What that means is if you are divorced, you did not miss it...regardless of how badly it turned out, it wasn't the choice to love a particular person that created your catastrophe, it was something much other than that.


But lets dig a little deeper and look at why we would even go here at all...its a cultural, and frankly fairy-tale world that suggest this idea of "the right person" in the first place.


(Disclaimer: I am most definitely NOT talking about throwing caution to the wind and just hooking up with blatantly bad people, that is dumb behavior and scripture is clear we should not yoke up with people of different value systems, if you don't know what your core values are, you should not even be reading this in the first place, go find out who you are first and then come back)


Its a subtle trap to drift into the mindset that a certain person, or even a certain "type" of person will be responsible for your happiness...Mr/Ms Right regardless of how perfect we may make them in our minds will never be able to create the perfect world for you.


Sometimes we let Hollywood destroy our happiness before we ever get there...especially when we look at the basic idea that many of us have grown up with...


In almost ALL of the fairy tales we read, or movies we watch there is conflict, there are difficulties but we know that if we can just get Prince Charming and the Sleeping Beauty together, everything will work out...think about it...in all of those stories we believe that if the couple can just connect everything will work out...and they will live "happily ever after"...and who doesn't want that?


But the problem is, there is no Mr Right, there is no Knight in shining armor, there is no sleeping beauty, there is no princess who needs rescuing...there's just us...you and me...the way we are...warts and all.


Its very important especially for the divorced to get rid of the idea that Mr/Ms Right exist at all...you are never going to find the "perfect" person...and the harder you look the more disappointed you will be, and many times it is our past experience that drives us to drive away (because of fear) the very thing God may be sending us.


The idea that if you wait long enough, or get in just the right moment, then Mr/Ms Right will suddenly sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after...this idea is often used by the enemy to beat us up since we never find the right person...there must be something more we can do, or worse, there must be some hidden sin that God is mad about and thus keeping us from true happiness until we clean up our act.


There is a core lie here we don't always notice and the lie is "If I just connect with the right person, bells will go off, love will blossom and I will live happily ever after"...


This idea is false...life does not work like that, simply connecting with the "right" person is not how God has made the world, especially when He likes diversity, it is not the right person that makes those things happen, it is something else.


So we may be waiting for something based on a myth...much like deciding "I will never leave my house until I see a unicorn for real"...it would be a limit placed on your own heart, sort of a vow that would keep you trapped because something mythical and awesome...but it just wouldn't ever happen no matter how much faith, confession and standing you did...


Any decision based on a falsehood regardless of how sincere is not faith, no matter how much you prop it up and pretend...in other words if you are holding out for the perfect spouse...you are simply setting yourself up for loneliness and defeat...because it is a mythical person you are believing for.


The perfect spouse does not exist...we know this, but fail to adjust our expectations, and because of undefined expectations we often frustrate our own growth waiting for a myth to make our lives perfect.


I think at its core, the most powerful expression of love, is simply "I choose you"...and if you have determined to never choose until Mr/Ms Right shows up, then regardless of the feelings love will never come because you will never be able to choose...and you may end up settling for feelings over love in the long run...which can be a disaster. 


And if you are divorced, you need to remember that the "feelings" that were once so powerful...well those are gone now aren't they? So how important are they now?


Wouldn't you rather build your life on something more permanent, more stable, less "sand" more "rock"?


I am not against feelings, heaven knows I am a hopeless romantic and very emotional, I feel, and express my feelings way more than the average male, but I know in my core that they are a limited liability, they can  infuse energy, but they can also drain it...we walk by faith not sight, even in the corridors of love and romance.


Real love, true love is a decision based on character and not emotions, it is how we behave towards another, not how we feel towards them...we can actually feel in love and behave differently and it will not be love...but if you behave in love, regardless of how you feel...it is love.


If we follow Gods example...we choose to love, and that choice empowers freedom, and freedom allows love to be returned...that is the ONLY way it works...there is no magic, no unicorn and no fairy tale ending based on a child's concept of life...we tell these stories to children, yet somehow expect them to work in real life.


So how do you avoid the jerks, the evil men, the bad girls, the tricksters and fakes?


Well I think its rather simple...


You become Mr/Ms Right...not for you, but for who you think the right person would deserve.


You will attract what you are.


If you want Mr/Ms Right you need to become them...


So how do you do that?


Simple...


1 Cor. 13...


Its the Love chapter...it the "How to" guide for becoming like God, it is the manual on how to be Mr/Ms Right...


Love is patient...that means love does not pressure...it does not get irritated when others need time...isn't that what you would expect in the perfect person?


Love is kind...how does that break down? Well, it means love is considerate...you "consider" the other person...what are they going through, what have they been through? You consider and empathize with their journey and you open your heart to what they have been through and behave in a way that makes them feel safe.


You get the idea...


You want to become a mythical lover?


Become 1 Cor. 13...its the very best way to prepare for a relationship...and if you do you won't be so selfish and expecting someone else to be perfect...you will learn to love and might even discover it was closer than you knew.


And once you have determined to become Mr/Ms Right yourself based on the value system of God, it will be easy to match up with someone who has the same value system, actually it will will be perfectly natural instead of "magical"...it may have a feeling of magic at times but will make incredible sense and should not be hard. 


To be clear, waiting is not wrong, or bad, IF you are growing in love as you wait...but if you are not growing in love, if you are waiting for a Mr/Ms Right to sweep you off your feet and into the perfect marriage and relationship...good luck with that...


...be sure to stock up on rainbows to feed the unicorn they will be riding.




POST SCRIPT:


After a few email discussions with some very smart people (sorry men it was mostly women) I feel I need to add one more disclaimer:


While I am communicating that I no longer lean into the idea of a "right" person, let me be perfectly clear, the anti-thesis is not supported...


It is true there may not be ONE right person, there may be many and you get to choose out of the many a ONE...but the opposite is not true, there are definitely people I would classify as Mr/Ms WRONG.


Just because there isn't one perfect person does not imply there are not a whole lot of wrong people you can marry or get into covenant with...you can most surely mess up your life and destiny by marrying the "wrong" person even if covenant tries to make them the "right" person.


There are some marriages that cannot be blessed and if you doubt that then read the last chapter of Ezra which is a somber mass divorce so the fierce wrath of God would be turned away...


I am all about grace, I am all about love winning, but I am also about reality...faith does not deny the existence of problems, it simply denies them the right to dominate.


The Bible does not teach that faith cannot fail, it teaches that LOVE cannot fail, and Jesus said love was best demonstrated by doing His commandments...you can confess and believe all you want for things to work out, but if people do not obey the Lord...well the outcome will show the truth, I don't need to say it.