Anyway these are some of the last messages we had between each other...
I miss him...
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Thursday, June 23, 2011
Messages Before the grave
These are sms from my brother to me and back...I'm the ones in green, he's the ones in grey...it was close to this time last year...he started getting worse, and worse...I had no idea how bad he really was...
Anyway these are some of the last messages we had between each other...
I miss him...
Anyway these are some of the last messages we had between each other...
I miss him...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Vintage Wild
Well I’ve never been afraid to take things apart
And that mess there on the table used to be my heart
I took out all the painful stuff and memories of you
And where it once was one well it looks like two
There’s the last time I saw you and how it made me feel
There’s a time or two of sunshine that I think are real
There’s a memory of tobacco and you know I don’t smoke
And I think I was the punch-line in some of your jokes
There’s a place between the pages where my dreams got lost
And there’s a lot of deep religion and an old wooden cross
So I’ve let out lots of feelings and a few diamond rings
And I’ve called in an expert who can find anything
So God you can have it and all these extra parts
And maybe You can fix it like it was at the start.
It was the the idea behind this poem that became "Only in Your Presence" which is truly one of my more popular worship songs...
I was trying to write less "christianese" and more like people really talk, so the poem inspired the line "If You don't mind broken things You can have my heart"...
Truly don't feel the way the poem suggest anymore...
But I am still really bad about taking things apart and making a mess of it...
I suppose its the drive to live on the edges of discovery...
...unrelenting inside me...
Like a wind that picks up my sails and sends me across unfamiliar waters to lost islands and unexplored territory...
I am constantly writing, composing, exploring new and old technologies...Leonardo Da Vinci was one of my big influences as a child...Renaissance man was my goal...
I am constantly writing, composing, exploring new and old technologies...Leonardo Da Vinci was one of my big influences as a child...Renaissance man was my goal...
I'm not really restless...just to much of a wild branch to be completely comfortable in a domestic vineyard...
Don't get me wrong, I love the thought of a vintage and long tradition...as long as something wild is allowed to bring a bit of flavor to the barrel...
Vintage wild...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Intensely looking for Fun...
My closest friends, my Pastors, my covenant relationships have all told me in the last year a continuous theme:
"You need to have fun"...
I suppose its due to my nature which is a combination of a highly strategic prophetic persona mixed with a heavy dose of "High D" or dominant behavior tendency...my natural and adaptive scores on the DISC test are 99 and 100% Dominant respectively...so I'm a driven individual with a strong desire to create strategies and solutions and apparently I have no idea how to have fun...
So I want to explore that a little...
Knowing my drive as a "D" means I score really high in competition I think I need to approach this by removing competitive elements out of the equation...I know myself well enough to realize that if I go try to do something recreational that involves "points, score, or ranking"...I will soon turn it into a breakneck race to the top and will avoid the fun part of it while trampling on others in my pursuit...which is obviously "no fun" when I finish...
So eliminating that aspect of it kinda removes most of the sports activities I would generally get involved in...and unfortunately my history proves this to be true, anyone who has played me in table tennis (or "ping pong" as its is referred to by people who have fun playing it) can attest, my competitive nature has a tendency to over-ride the simple pleasure of getting the ball over the net and I can't seem to do it without burning a hole in the other persons paddle...
This is the first road-sign for my journey to successful fun: obviously it needs to be fun for other people as well...which means I need to stay out of the competitive arena...this eliminates a whole lotta of stuff that most men my age are doing...but I do want to learn so I'm willing to handicap myself in the process.
The other side of this "no war" approach to fun is the balance that comes from my friends in the audio industry...one of the engineers I know has a saying..."If everything's BIG, then nothing is BIG"...the idea being that value and significance come from uniqueness, in other words "Hey lets do the dishes, that would be fun!"...is not really fun because we do the dishes all the time, they are always big, so today they are not anymore fun than yesterday...because...well they always are...
There is a part of me that can enjoy the mundane, the boring, (I'll demonstrate that in a bit) but honestly as a single male coming home to a quiet house every night stops being fun...because ...well its every night...I know there is a certain pleasure in routine, and some of it even qualifies as fun...but we have to define what can make the mundane "big" or other ordinary, rather than always ordinary...not sure I get that one yet...it could be the "alone" factor at play here...but without a lab partner the hypothesis cannot be verified.
So here are the area's I currently look at to discover fun:
Science and technology: Nope, I compete to stay ahead of the curve on this stuff and usually am
Music: My own is a product of intensity, it is usually born out worship/prayer and what isn't, is a product of driving to excellence, I do play for pleasure and most of that happens naturally...late at night on my own...so its sorta fun...but it doesn't seem to translate into the world of my relationships outside of a worship environment...so I gotta place a "no" here as well.
This kinda drags me into a discussion I wasn't ready for...how much fun can you have by yourself before its no fun, and why doesn't that make you a "fun" person to be around...?
See the issue I am being told about is I need to have fun because I am to intense around other people...so its not that I don't have fun alone, its that I am not fun because I don't let others relax or something bizarre in that range of understanding that I haven't gotten a clue about yet...
And this confuses me a little...do I need to "have " fun, or do I need to "be" fun...
I suppose I am a bit intense, but I do try to keep things light, I guess it comes down to learning to shut off the side of me that wants to strategize, conquer, overcome, and generally drive people to the next level at a really fast pace...
So back to my list:
The list is pointless now because its not about me its about how I engage others...
And I think the best way for me to approach this is to change my environment variable a little to help me reset how I engage...most people want me in relationship for a certain level of the intensity I bring, so dinner, or lunch almost always involves a process of encouragement and me pushing people to believe beyond the current mindset...its what I do, I always bring a different perspective and unfortunately my viewpoint is almost always rather intense...(if not downright extreme to the average mind)...
Which means going to lunch and or dinner is only fun with me if we avoid intense topics which means shallow conversation about the weather...yep I can see loads of fun in my future...after awhile everything gets big again and nothing is big...but at least everyone else is having fun...
I do realize I need to turn off the "Goes to Eleven" setting on my intensity amp and allow people to engage with me at their own pace, I am not faulting anyone for not enjoying the breakneck intensity that comes with a relationship with me, but I also get to be me at some part of the equation and a certain level of this seems like the drive for fun is a one sided deal that I don't get to have, what if strategy is how I get my fun?
Just a question...no need to answer it ....
So back to my strategy of becoming fun...
I think the best way to do this for my personality is change the environment where I engage...create a "fun zone" where I am not competing, am not strategical, don't need to adjust perspective, really don't need to be much more than a compadre spectator letting others enjoy my lack of intensity...
So here's a new list:
Shopping (as an observer)....absolutely impossible for me to analyze, make strategy, or actually engage beyond "Yes I like that one"...
I know this because I did it for four girls and prom dresses and homecoming outfits and many other times...my opinion was only a window dressing to the experience, and I have to say I did rather enjoy the journey of discovery, its a bit like watching a lioness in her natural environment hunting for the prey, stalking each and every rack and row for the perfect item that only she and she alone understood the true nature of the chase...I can do this but not alone...
Ballroom Dancing (as a student)...I have no skill in this arena, and there is no drive in me to become a champion ballroom dancer, it just seems like it would be fun because I would probably be terrible at it and would enjoy laughing at myself in the futility of it all,and it would be a great opportunity for others to see that I don't take myself nearly as seriously as they do...again no fun for me if I'm the only one laughing at me...
Motorcycle Picnics (as a driver) because it would be virtually impossible for anyone to take you seriously when you have bugs stuck all over your face...and the open air and road seems fun and the idea of driving a motorcycle again has enough intensity in it to drain away any other need to be intense...just saying...and who doesn't like a picnic?
Symphony/Arts/Concerts (as a listener/observer)...
hmmmm....seems like I've tried this but didn't get the vote here...apparently I either analyze or push to much...so I need to try this with different subjects before I decide that I am a failure at this kind of fun...I know I enjoy it, and it relaxes me, but not by myself...
Of course all of these things now sound like "dates" which isn't really an issue to me, a date actually sounds like a great place to have fun, but I'm not sure that this is what the target is, actually in some cases I know this is not the target, but I'm not sure how to be less intense without becoming some sort of total bore...which seems counter-productive to being "fun"...unless as I have suggested I change the environment for me to be myself in...
So I think it comes down to either changing my environment or changing me...(something I'm not sure I'm capable of without being rather intense about it)...
I think what makes this difficult for me is that others don't really get to see the less than intense side of me that happens away from where we normally engage...
One of the reasons I like coffee is everyday, I stop and enjoy one cup...I drink lots, but there's always one cup that I pause to simply enjoy, I drink it slower and I smile because I know God made it for me and me for it...(no one ever see's this) that seems a little fun for me even if no one knows...
I have a song or two that I sing to God and God alone, and then there's this crazy dance I dance when no one is watching, its totally uncoordinated and more like skipping than anything else and I've nearly broken three guitars doing it...(and I always lock the doors and check the windows before I cut loose)...that seems fun to me...but somehow that person never gets to engage with others and he's frankly a bit of a nut...
I sometimes talk to my food when I'm alone "Thank you Mister fish for giving your life to make me feel yummy, and Mr. Croissant, I ate your mom you know, come and join her..." of course this behavior would get me in trouble if others saw it, but it seems rather fun to me...
For some reason little kids think I'm fun...apparently I know how to turn off the intense setting for them...sigh...
I sometimes go outside in my pajamas and stretch out on the hood and look at the stars...nothing intense there, just gazing absent-mindedly for an hour then back into the warm bed...
I watch a lot of cartoons...really I do...just because they make me laugh...but see that's not something we do as adults...because well for others it apparently is no fun...(why is that?)...
If you've ever heard me on the phone with tech help you'd know I'm really fun...the last time I actually got the girl to admit she was in the Philippines and she said "God Bless You Sir" at the end of the 3 hour call and the entire time I was teasing her about her job and how wonderful she was at it...that seems like a lot of fun to me...I mean whats more intense than a three hour phone call to "tech" as you're trying to get the computers to connect...and I had fun, and I think she did too...
But I guess I have no idea how to be or have fun...sheesh I must have missed school that day because I just don't seem to get it...
I guess in my quest to discover fun I have to discover this about myself...I might not be as "intense" as I am maybe "extreme"...
...maybe I was born to live on the edges and everyone else lives in the middle...I like the edge...God lives near here...not many people come around these parts...so the air is cleaner...
But ultimately I guess I need to learn to live a little nearer the "middle"....
And be a bit less "intense" or as we now know "extreme"...
And make it fun for others...
I'm going to try...
Really hard...
And am also taking applications for anyone interested in my list...
But it's not a date...
That's no fun...
"You need to have fun"...
I suppose its due to my nature which is a combination of a highly strategic prophetic persona mixed with a heavy dose of "High D" or dominant behavior tendency...my natural and adaptive scores on the DISC test are 99 and 100% Dominant respectively...so I'm a driven individual with a strong desire to create strategies and solutions and apparently I have no idea how to have fun...
So I want to explore that a little...
Knowing my drive as a "D" means I score really high in competition I think I need to approach this by removing competitive elements out of the equation...I know myself well enough to realize that if I go try to do something recreational that involves "points, score, or ranking"...I will soon turn it into a breakneck race to the top and will avoid the fun part of it while trampling on others in my pursuit...which is obviously "no fun" when I finish...
So eliminating that aspect of it kinda removes most of the sports activities I would generally get involved in...and unfortunately my history proves this to be true, anyone who has played me in table tennis (or "ping pong" as its is referred to by people who have fun playing it) can attest, my competitive nature has a tendency to over-ride the simple pleasure of getting the ball over the net and I can't seem to do it without burning a hole in the other persons paddle...
This is the first road-sign for my journey to successful fun: obviously it needs to be fun for other people as well...which means I need to stay out of the competitive arena...this eliminates a whole lotta of stuff that most men my age are doing...but I do want to learn so I'm willing to handicap myself in the process.
The other side of this "no war" approach to fun is the balance that comes from my friends in the audio industry...one of the engineers I know has a saying..."If everything's BIG, then nothing is BIG"...the idea being that value and significance come from uniqueness, in other words "Hey lets do the dishes, that would be fun!"...is not really fun because we do the dishes all the time, they are always big, so today they are not anymore fun than yesterday...because...well they always are...
There is a part of me that can enjoy the mundane, the boring, (I'll demonstrate that in a bit) but honestly as a single male coming home to a quiet house every night stops being fun...because ...well its every night...I know there is a certain pleasure in routine, and some of it even qualifies as fun...but we have to define what can make the mundane "big" or other ordinary, rather than always ordinary...not sure I get that one yet...it could be the "alone" factor at play here...but without a lab partner the hypothesis cannot be verified.
So here are the area's I currently look at to discover fun:
Science and technology: Nope, I compete to stay ahead of the curve on this stuff and usually am
Music: My own is a product of intensity, it is usually born out worship/prayer and what isn't, is a product of driving to excellence, I do play for pleasure and most of that happens naturally...late at night on my own...so its sorta fun...but it doesn't seem to translate into the world of my relationships outside of a worship environment...so I gotta place a "no" here as well.
This kinda drags me into a discussion I wasn't ready for...how much fun can you have by yourself before its no fun, and why doesn't that make you a "fun" person to be around...?
See the issue I am being told about is I need to have fun because I am to intense around other people...so its not that I don't have fun alone, its that I am not fun because I don't let others relax or something bizarre in that range of understanding that I haven't gotten a clue about yet...
And this confuses me a little...do I need to "have " fun, or do I need to "be" fun...
I suppose I am a bit intense, but I do try to keep things light, I guess it comes down to learning to shut off the side of me that wants to strategize, conquer, overcome, and generally drive people to the next level at a really fast pace...
So back to my list:
The list is pointless now because its not about me its about how I engage others...
And I think the best way for me to approach this is to change my environment variable a little to help me reset how I engage...most people want me in relationship for a certain level of the intensity I bring, so dinner, or lunch almost always involves a process of encouragement and me pushing people to believe beyond the current mindset...its what I do, I always bring a different perspective and unfortunately my viewpoint is almost always rather intense...(if not downright extreme to the average mind)...
Which means going to lunch and or dinner is only fun with me if we avoid intense topics which means shallow conversation about the weather...yep I can see loads of fun in my future...after awhile everything gets big again and nothing is big...but at least everyone else is having fun...
I do realize I need to turn off the "Goes to Eleven" setting on my intensity amp and allow people to engage with me at their own pace, I am not faulting anyone for not enjoying the breakneck intensity that comes with a relationship with me, but I also get to be me at some part of the equation and a certain level of this seems like the drive for fun is a one sided deal that I don't get to have, what if strategy is how I get my fun?
Just a question...no need to answer it ....
So back to my strategy
I think the best way to do this for my personality is change the environment where I engage...create a "fun zone" where I am not competing, am not strategical, don't need to adjust perspective, really don't need to be much more than a compadre spectator letting others enjoy my lack of intensity...
So here's a new list:
Shopping (as an observer)....absolutely impossible for me to analyze, make strategy, or actually engage beyond "Yes I like that one"...
I know this because I did it for four girls and prom dresses and homecoming outfits and many other times...my opinion was only a window dressing to the experience, and I have to say I did rather enjoy the journey of discovery, its a bit like watching a lioness in her natural environment hunting for the prey, stalking each and every rack and row for the perfect item that only she and she alone understood the true nature of the chase...I can do this but not alone...
Ballroom Dancing (as a student)...I have no skill in this arena, and there is no drive in me to become a champion ballroom dancer, it just seems like it would be fun because I would probably be terrible at it and would enjoy laughing at myself in the futility of it all,and it would be a great opportunity for others to see that I don't take myself nearly as seriously as they do...again no fun for me if I'm the only one laughing at me...
Motorcycle Picnics (as a driver) because it would be virtually impossible for anyone to take you seriously when you have bugs stuck all over your face...and the open air and road seems fun and the idea of driving a motorcycle again has enough intensity in it to drain away any other need to be intense...just saying...and who doesn't like a picnic?
Symphony/Arts/Concerts (as a listener/observer)...
hmmmm....seems like I've tried this but didn't get the vote here...apparently I either analyze or push to much...so I need to try this with different subjects before I decide that I am a failure at this kind of fun...I know I enjoy it, and it relaxes me, but not by myself...
Of course all of these things now sound like "dates" which isn't really an issue to me, a date actually sounds like a great place to have fun, but I'm not sure that this is what the target is, actually in some cases I know this is not the target, but I'm not sure how to be less intense without becoming some sort of total bore...which seems counter-productive to being "fun"...unless as I have suggested I change the environment for me to be myself in...
So I think it comes down to either changing my environment or changing me...(something I'm not sure I'm capable of without being rather intense about it)...
I think what makes this difficult for me is that others don't really get to see the less than intense side of me that happens away from where we normally engage...
One of the reasons I like coffee is everyday, I stop and enjoy one cup...I drink lots, but there's always one cup that I pause to simply enjoy, I drink it slower and I smile because I know God made it for me and me for it...(no one ever see's this) that seems a little fun for me even if no one knows...
I have a song or two that I sing to God and God alone, and then there's this crazy dance I dance when no one is watching, its totally uncoordinated and more like skipping than anything else and I've nearly broken three guitars doing it...(and I always lock the doors and check the windows before I cut loose)...that seems fun to me...but somehow that person never gets to engage with others and he's frankly a bit of a nut...
I sometimes talk to my food when I'm alone "Thank you Mister fish for giving your life to make me feel yummy, and Mr. Croissant, I ate your mom you know, come and join her..." of course this behavior would get me in trouble if others saw it, but it seems rather fun to me...
For some reason little kids think I'm fun...apparently I know how to turn off the intense setting for them...sigh...
I sometimes go outside in my pajamas and stretch out on the hood and look at the stars...nothing intense there, just gazing absent-mindedly for an hour then back into the warm bed...
I watch a lot of cartoons...really I do...just because they make me laugh...but see that's not something we do as adults...because well for others it apparently is no fun...(why is that?)...
If you've ever heard me on the phone with tech help you'd know I'm really fun...the last time I actually got the girl to admit she was in the Philippines and she said "God Bless You Sir" at the end of the 3 hour call and the entire time I was teasing her about her job and how wonderful she was at it...that seems like a lot of fun to me...I mean whats more intense than a three hour phone call to "tech" as you're trying to get the computers to connect...and I had fun, and I think she did too...
But I guess I have no idea how to be or have fun...sheesh I must have missed school that day because I just don't seem to get it...
I guess in my quest to discover fun I have to discover this about myself...I might not be as "intense" as I am maybe "extreme"...
...maybe I was born to live on the edges and everyone else lives in the middle...I like the edge...God lives near here...not many people come around these parts...so the air is cleaner...
But ultimately I guess I need to learn to live a little nearer the "middle"....
And be a bit less "intense" or as we now know "extreme"...
And make it fun for others...
I'm going to try...
Really hard...
And am also taking applications for anyone interested in my list...
But it's not a date...
That's no fun...
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